4 years ago, an accident took my
beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in
the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad
for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and
the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I
have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my
child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.
There
was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had
to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that
there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after
informing my sleepy child.
With
the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am
home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy.
So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into
the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with
intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all i heard and felt
was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and
there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant
noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!
Boy,
was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged
straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him
a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a
short explanation:
"Dad,
I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not
back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered
you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults
around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the
bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me.
However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it
under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to
remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."
At
that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't
want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and
cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I
went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on
him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess
on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed
my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on
his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved
mummy.
A
year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to
focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to
most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be
graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a
lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily
growing up.
However,
not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his
kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from
school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to
explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling
out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop,
happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and
whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am
sorry, Dad'. But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent
Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's
mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....
Few
days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten
has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept
to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am
sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. 'cos he makes
me proud too!
Time
passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter,
and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is in every
passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas, my son
got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's
work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master
was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has
attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did
make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit
him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once
again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional
reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post
office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and
angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.
His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.
My
eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to
ask him: " But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's
reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each
time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was
not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the
postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."
After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say....
I
told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if
you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach
mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon
after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the
letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldnt help
opening the letter before they turn to ash.
And one of the letters broke my heart....
Dear Mummy,
I
miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the
school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I
did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I
was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad
went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in
front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops.
Dad was furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I
did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you
and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in
his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own
good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you
please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember
you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person
whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why
havent you appear?
After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....
For the females with children:
Don't
do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some
kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem.
Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer
to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and
take care of your little precious.
For the married men:
Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients.
Try
thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally
dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this
society, no one is indispensable.
Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones.
For those singles out there:
Beauty lies in loving yourself first.
With
confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other things
around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let your
health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more
than your well being.
credit to: ummikusayang yahoogroup
